Saturday, January 4, 2014
Awkward Apologies pt. I
I'd rather be doing this then fashioning an apology to Hipster. Hell, I'd rather be shelling out money that I don't even have for a new dryer, laysik surgery, a colonoscopy given to me by a doctor who looks suspiciously like George Clooney, than preparing for an apology to a guy I don't even know.
OK, so in the last blog, I announced that I must apologize to the guy I don't know even yet whom Donkey drunkenly brayed at, who I'll call, Hipster. (see last blog post)
How do I pull off this apology? Yeah, yeah. The Bassett Anti-Anxiety tapes say to "Say what you mean, and mean what you say, then say what you mean and shut up." Not easy, folks.
This is where I fail. When exasperated, anxious, shy and embarrassed, I over-talk. I say MORE than what needs to be said, or I nervously go off on a mini-tangent to try to calm myself down. This makes me look like the biggest band-geek ever.
But let me clarify myself. I'm not always this way. If I'm having to announce something to anyone other than a man I'm crushing on or find attractive, I'm incredibly confident, smooth-talking and eloquent. I speak like a motivational speaker on PBS, an author laughing it up with her TED Talks audience, as smooth as Ira Glass.
Oh, but no, put a good looking, intelligent-seeming man in front of me and I over-explain, stammer, perhaps even pee a little like a trembling puppy who hasn't figured out that pissing in the house is not cool but knows something is wrong while his owner smacks his ass with a rolled up newspaper. Yup, that's me.
"Hi, I'm Natalie. Nice beer-mug by the way (coughs) so anyway, I wanted to say I'm sorry for my friend doing a Hee Haw routine in front of you. He's usually not that way. Well, not that I exactly KNOW which way he really is as I've never been to a bar with him until we saw you, and he got so drunk that his girlfriend, well, he said it was his EX girlfriend texted me when I got home and . . ." STOP. This is what I'm talking about.
I need someone to hook me up with a wire and deliver a nice twenty volt shock when I need to shut up.
"Hi, this is Natalie. Cool glas--ouch! So anyway, I wanted to say I'm sorry that my drunken friend was obnoxious to you. And that your beer-mug is really cooo--OUCH! Anyway, I'm sorry."
God help me when I DO see him. Though for now, I'm hiding out from Independent Ale House until someone can get me a shock collar.
Say a prayer for me. I'm lookin' out for us all.