Saturday, January 4, 2014

Awkward Apologies pt. I

I'd rather be doing this then fashioning an apology to Hipster.  Hell, I'd rather be shelling out money that I don't even have for a new dryer, laysik surgery, a colonoscopy given to me by a doctor who looks suspiciously like George Clooney, than preparing for an apology to a guy I don't even know.

OK, so in the last blog, I announced that I must apologize to the guy I don't know even yet whom Donkey drunkenly brayed at, who I'll call, Hipster.  (see last blog post)

How do I pull off this apology?  Yeah, yeah.  The Bassett Anti-Anxiety tapes say to "Say what you mean, and mean what you say, then say what you mean and shut up."   Not easy, folks.

This is where I fail.  When exasperated, anxious, shy and embarrassed, I over-talk.  I say MORE than what needs to be said, or I nervously go off on a mini-tangent to try to calm myself down.  This makes me look like the biggest band-geek ever.

But let me clarify myself.  I'm not always this way.  If I'm having to announce something to anyone other than a man I'm crushing on or find attractive, I'm incredibly confident, smooth-talking and eloquent.  I speak like a motivational speaker on PBS, an author laughing it up with her TED Talks audience, as smooth as Ira Glass.

Oh, but no, put a good looking, intelligent-seeming man in front of me and I over-explain, stammer, perhaps even pee a little like a trembling puppy who hasn't figured out that pissing in the house is not cool but knows something is wrong while his owner smacks his ass with a rolled up newspaper.  Yup, that's me.

"Hi, I'm Natalie.  Nice beer-mug by the way (coughs) so anyway, I wanted to say I'm sorry for my friend doing a Hee Haw routine in front of you.  He's usually not that way.  Well, not that I exactly KNOW which way he really is as I've never been to a bar with him until we saw you, and he got so drunk that his girlfriend, well, he said it was his EX girlfriend texted me when I got home and  . . ."  STOP.  This is what I'm talking about.

I need someone to hook me up with a wire and deliver a nice twenty volt shock when I need to shut up.

"Hi, this is Natalie.  Cool glas--ouch!  So anyway, I wanted to say I'm sorry that my drunken friend was obnoxious to you.  And that your beer-mug is really cooo--OUCH!  Anyway, I'm sorry."

God help me when I DO see him.  Though for now, I'm hiding out from Independent Ale House until someone can get me a shock collar.

Say a prayer for me.  I'm lookin' out for us all.

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