Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Toothless in Seattle

You know how you have those fleeting memories of something from not that long ago, something embarrassingly weird that you stowed away?

I think I forgot to tell you guys about one of my entertaining internet/phone dates from two years ago. I'm assuming I blocked it due to embarrassment, but then I recently read comedian Kathy Griffin's autobiography and saw her spill the beans on some of her turds she dated then figured why not?


It's all fun and games til you find out your internet friend has nary a tooth in his gummy jaw. Yes, about two years ago, when I was in the "extreme throes" of trying to get over Cactis Man, I stumbled upon a dude who wrote me on my dating site who seemed pretty cool. 1. He was into old west history without trying to pretend he was Custer from another life. 2. He loved and identified with "Chris-in-the-morning" on Northern Exposure 3. Loved and lived in a historical part of Colorado.

Well, I should have known by his paragraphing that he was a nutcase. Does every two sentences randomly thrown together equal an entire paragraph? Plus, he said some alarming things about politics, like . . . that we should all be living in . . . bunkers. I tried to pass this off as someone with a bad sense of humor. After all, we all can't be Jerry Seinfields, Kathy Griffins and Janine Garofallos, right?

We eventually graduated to talking on the phone, and while I thought I detected a lisp, I ignored it due to a bad phone connection.

I was talking about my bad dates and I JOKINGLY said, "Well, you know every person's nightmare is about finally meeting someone online." He paused too long and said, "No." I said, "Well, heh, heh, you know, a psycho-killer, bad-breathed, idiot, toothless weirdo." Then I laughed.

Total silence.

"Hello? You there? Hello?"

"You got something against someone who's missing a few teet (teeth)?

"Uh, no. I uh, heh, heh. Are you missing all your teet, I mean teeth?"

"Just my front teet, and bottom teet. I mean, havin' teet isn't everything."

"That's right. Heh, heh. How about I call you later."

Sort of says it all, doesn't it?


thundernuts said...

Newman! So was he a good kisser?

nate said...

I'm sure there's a toothless soulmate out there for him somewhere. Maybe a niche dating site just for toothless people!