Saturday, May 15, 2010

Speed Dating Disaster

Over-rated=speed-dating. I theorize that there's a small window of cute/decent men available (recently divorced from their first "starter-marriage"), but if you don't snap them up, you're S.O.L.

You're left with three scary options: 1. set-ups from friends 2. Internet dating or 3. Speed-dating

Jen told me it was front page news the other day in the Journal, and YES, I went. Thank GOD, my picture didn't show up. Save your money, folks; Speed dating ain't nothing like Sex and the City.

Quick list of perks (the only positive things I can think of to say):
1. They had nice black table cloths on the little tables and candles.
2. The booze was reasonably priced.

There were 9 guys and they went like this (hold on to your hats, folks, I ain't making this stuff up):

Guys 1-2: were so quiet I had to do all the conversation maintenance. And they were mumblers: I had to constantly say, "Beg your parden. What'd you say? Huh?" then I just gave up and pretended to listen, only both quit talking and surfed their Blackberries. Apparently I need a Bell-tone hearing aide.

Guys 3-4 were so obnoxious I wanted to punch them. One was a guy who either didn't age well OR was supposed to be in the ages 56-66 category. He wore a vest from the 70's and was like something from "Welcome Back Kotter." He thought he was VERY funny. The other guy was even STUPIDER and talked about a professor I know from BH and how she's still in love with her ex the entire four minutes. He looked like Marty Feldmen but with hair like Einstein. If you don't know who Marty Feldmen is, google-image him immediately.

Guy 5: wore, I kid you not, a fedora like Indiana Jones and thought he was Crocodile Dundee. He wore a leather cutaway coat past his knees and combat boots (hello, Columbine?). He was about 6'4" but only weighed maybe 130 lbs. He had strange disturbing-looking scabs under one eye, blinked incessently and had frightening viewpoints about nuclear energy of which he proudly informed me he was a nuclear weapons and energy clean up soldier in the Navy during the Gulf War. He was also missing most of his hair and had black circles under his eyes (nuclear fallout from an "accident"? go figure).

Guy 6: had to be pulled from the crowd because, AS I PREDICTED, not enough men signed up and a few backed out. Sadly, this guy was one of the best looking ones. This guy was a REAL winner. Firstly, he informed me he has no job because as he puts it, "I don't get along with anyone and they say I know everything then the bosses fire me." He was missing both canine teeth and also flunked out of college several times. Then a 28 year old at the bar walked over and told me he borrowed her car and used to date her younger sister then totalled her car. Nice. He also said, "I'm a fixer-upper kind of guy, kinda like fixing up an old car. I've got lots of issues." I ACTUALLY said to him, "So it sounds like you're a co-dependant's dream!" and laughed. NEXT.

Guy 7: was an engineer in green technology. He was OK but boring in kind of a mortician sort of way. He sported my favorite male fashion faux paus: tucked in polo shirt (who under 70 tucks in their shirts?) and sporty-stone washed jeans. He was one of three older men there who wore white tennis shoes (I was too scared to look and see if they were all velcro-closures.) He apparently didn't know how to keep a conversation going and I nodded off while he was talking so low I couldn't hear him anyway.

Guy 8: was actually cute and looked a tiny bit like Guy Fieri on the Food Channel. He's from California and rides motorcycles. However, when the bell rang, he couldn't WAIT to jump up from his chair and get away. He was also pulled from the audience.

Guy 9: never showed up.

Well, there you go. God, I fear for us all.