Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Fighting/Moving Through the Mess

Like the title implies, breaking up is hard to do. And long, too. There's so much going back and forth and stretching out of some things. He's out of your life, disappeared. Then he's back in, but there's a new dude maybe on the sidelines, then you are not sure what happens next, you move on, keep two on the wire, maybe three. Who do you keep? Who do you get rid of? Or do you get rid of them all, or keep them all?

It's a long, difficult process, this journey through relationships. Then there's those couples who like to fight, break up, to get back together again. Reference the Adam and Eve characters from Northern Exposure.

My favorite early episode of them together, Fleishman gets kidnapped by Adam to visit his hypochondriac wife, Eve. During this shackled forced visit, Fleishman concludes that Eve is NOT sick, that the worst of their problems are that Adam and Eve as a couple are a complete "Disaster," "Trainwreck," and to paraphrase Fleishman, "You go one way, and you go the other and never see each other again."

But what happens? Do they take Fleishman's advice, divorce each other, one running to the utmost region of Alaska while the other winds up in Tibet? No. They wind up back together again! Co-dependant Enabler paired with Passive-Aggressive man, or just strange union of souls, star-crossed lovers?

Maybe some couples need friction, challenges and drama. Maybe they're like two colliding bulls in the meadow, charging each other to be happy, or to continually challenge each other's dominance? Which is it? Does ONE have to be the "goes along with everything" type while the other is the leader? What if you're already a leader like me? I DO NOT want a man who lets me take charge all the time, but neither do I want a man continually butting me with his horns.

In MY world, drama does not equate pain, abuse, fighting or struggles over dominance. Drama can be OK so long as one doesn't taunt the other in an abusive way designed to harm the other.

It's all so confusing!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Martymachlia and Breaking Up

I read a good blog today on "Breaking up," from a chick called "Mommason." It talked about how do you KNOW when it's time to move on from a relationship.

Well, when you can't take the BAD behavior anymore, when it starts outweighing the good, that's when you move on. Sigh.

The worst part about a break up, besides being so alone, is missing the stuff you had that might have been the best you'll ever have again. Maybe it's spiritual comfort, or a laugh, compassion. Or maybe it was all about good sex. No wait. Not just "good sex." I mean mind-blowing, ground-shaking sex, the kind where you wonder if s/he's truly ruined you for other men/women. My ex used to joke he'd do that to me. I feel sometimes like he wasn't kidding.

By far, the HARDEST thing I've ever had to do was leave this guy whom I was not only in love with, but truly a soul mate. Not only that, but a fellow who dabbed in "Martymachlia," a fun condition also known as "adventure sex."

Ah, to be in love and have a person really, REALLY know you and your sexuality, someone who makes you feel so UNINHIBITED you'd try anything. Then to lose that and fall back into the mainstream is . . . . sigh. It's like the metaphor I recently told a friend, "It's like going from Cicilian, fresh herbed pizza dripping in oozy mozzerella to a dried old Tombstone in the back of your fridge."

BUT this is inhibited America, where we're not supposed to talk about things like sex. It's not nice. It's not being spiritually-elevated. It's being crass, vulgar, animalistic. It's not aimed towards preserving "Family Values," and all that hogwash.

But I will ALWAYS miss him. I miss the crazy, risky adventure sex, each time standing out in my mind like a scene from a movie. But maybe we were the deviants. Maybe we're in the lowest percentile of uninhibited America.

What are other people like? Do they have once-a-month missionary sex in the dark with the sheets pulled up? Do they REALLY enjoy themselves or would they secretely rather have a bowl of chocolate ice-cream and forego the sex altogether? As closed-lip of a society we are, at least in my humble opinion, I tend to think this is so.

But I'll bravely march on, try to keep my head up, and HOPE I can find a man who at least (when it comes to sex) can stand up to the plate of my ex, but that'll be a tough act to follow.