Sunday, February 27, 2011

New Dude was a Dud

More Signs He's Not that Into You:

1. He doesn't tell you that you look nice.

2. He eyeballs the bartender who's young enough to be his daughter.

3. When you exit that night from the front door, he just says, "It was fun." NOT, "That was fun. What are you doing next week?"

4. You text him, "I had a great time! Thanks for taking me out for dinner." And instead of texting, "I did, too. I'll call you later tonight," or "Can't wait to see you again," he only texts, "Thanks!"

5. He makes little eye contact.

6. He looks at his watch more than once.

7. And the finale, when you text him the next day with a simple, "Are you still interested?" He says, "We can maybe go out again sometime as friends. But I just wasn't feeling the chemistry that I need," which is codeword for, "You're too fat."

Yes, he did all the above. It wasn't a bad date. I, in fact, DID feel chemistry towards him. I had a GOOD time. And here's the clencher, we've been talking for almost a month and have tons of things in common. And he certainly was "feeling the chemistry" on the phone. But apparently, the SHOCK and DREAD of seeing a woman who, gasp, wears a size 14 is just too much. After all, a size 12 or 14 is proabably morbidly obsese right? asks Natalie the President of the National Sarcasm Foundation.

Pretty cool, eh?

Friday, February 25, 2011

New Invention for the Double-chinned Ladies

Got Chin?

I do. Always have. Even when I was toothpick thin. It's a family genetic thing we inherited from our parents. It's where the neck just sort of disappears into our chin. Pretty cool huh?

The on-going joke I use is, "I've got more chins than a Chinese phone book," bada-boom!

And the COOLEST thing is, the older I get, the more it droops. Someday, maybe my chin will rest on my boobs which in turn will rest on my knees when I'm sitting.

To combat this, meet the . . .

Double Chin Eliminator--

Well, on the phone to Jen the other day, I came up with a notion. Wouldn't it be cool if your turtleneck would stay up and hide that double chin?

How about you had a piece of velcro sewn to the inside of your turtleneck. Then you could take another piece of the matching velcro and tape it to your chin-line. Attach both pieces of velcro and what happens? The extra chin/s disappear. Viola, I'm a genius, right?

I wish it were that easy, because I have a new date with "New Guy," our first, since talking on the phone.

Yes, you heard that right. More later.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Retro Yummies

Remember this? Remember its cousin with the little red paddle to spread the cheese on the crackers inside?

I just enjoyed one of these bad boys. What makes them so darned good? Is it the crispy pretzel rods coated in kosher salt or the non-dairy cheese product?

In fact, what does "non-dairy cheese product" mean?


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Girdle Anyone?

This is my gut. Not literally. But it might as well be (only maybe an inch bigger). Also notice that there are actually two guts, a top gut and a lower gut.

Jen affectionately calls her lower gut "The Ledge," sounds kinda edgy, huh?

Two Burning Questions!:

1. Why is it that some people (J-lo, Kim Kardashian) get extra booty in their booty, but I get booty in my gut, and why can't this be the new trend? I'd be the next Fashionista!

2. Why is it when you hit perio-menopause this becomes you? Granted, it's in my genes to have a gut. In fact it's a rather alarming tradition in my family on my father's side.

Now before all you naturally skinny people start finger-wagging (T), why is it that ab workouts only make the "booty-gut" turn harder, so that instead of flat abs, you just get "granite-booty-gut"?

3. What other fun perio-menopause goodies am I soon in store for?

Are my feet going to start growing next? (great, I've always wanted to be a size 11)

How about facial hair? Am I going to be sprouting a foo-man-choo by the time I'm 50?

I can't wait!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Valentine Schmalentine

Over-rated, Depressing good ol' VD. Whoops, I meant Valentine's Day.

I went out and had a cup of soup with my ex, (who said he'd pay) then today asked if I could pay him back for the two glasses of wine that he paid for. Apparently, he's low on cash and needs that for gas money this week. I mentioned that he's my ex, right?

To be honest, where men are concerned, I don't think I've ever had a nice, thoughtful, Valentine's. The men either: 1. forget the day entirely 2. somehow talk ME into paying for their dinner or 3. Complain bitterly to me all year that "It's a holiday for Hallmark to make money" then come that day, I found out they've bought themselves some new camping stuff/electric saw/fishing gear for themselves.

Even Cactus Man. When we first met, he bragged about what a considerate man he was towards women during holidays. Yet, he forgot every Valentine's except one: the Valentine's he broke up with me for the first time, then sent me a dozen tulips to show what a great guy he was--Yay!

Oh, the joy.

So I decided two years ago that there would be no more Valentine's Day.

Instead, it's now called "Friends, Pets and Family Day," where you send your sisters and girlfriends cards and candy, and buy your doggie little cookies.

Makes more sense to me. 1. You don't get let down. 2. Your gifts are greatly appreciated and you 3. spend less money.

Cheers to "Friends, Pets and Family Day"!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

New Guy

Well, T. said I should write more varied blogs and not write about the opposite sex so much, but she must have forgotten my blog's title "musings over men," "Single." Did Sex and the City ever get old? No. The only thing that got old was that Carrie Bradshaw could eat like a pig and swill Manhattans yet never get any bigger than size 1. THAT got old.

Besides, guess what? There just might be a New Guy, which is always fun, right? Did I mention he was local? My age. Good looking. Sound too good to be true?

It would be--except for one thing.

He hasn't done anything for me to make fun of. No disco hair, no missing teeth, no talking about peeing.

What gives?

Furthermore, he's ASKED to read my short stories. He's read the Cactus Man Trilogy. Katie, who knows him said, "Uh-OH. You had him read that?" But he read it and LIKED it.

What could this mean?