Friday, January 28, 2011

Celibacy is the New Route

Well, here's the update on the date this weekend. Again, Paulie told us to meet the group for happy hour.

But the mutual set up with "shy guy" was a no-go. He was polite, but clearly "not that into me." So JJ and I split for Target, which frankly sounded like more fun anyway. Buh-bye, shy guy.

OK, so like two weeks ago, I got stabbing pains in my lower right hand groin. Panicky, I made an appointment with my doctor, prepared for the worst. It turns out that I only had a bladder infection.


Isn't that the condition that women who benefit from wild romps in the sack get?

And if so, what gives? Let's do a quick tally of my sexual adventures, as pathetic as they might be: sex in 2007 with Cactus Man when he visited me for a weekend, sex in 2009 with Cactus Man (when he was here five days). Wait, did I get that right? So basically I've been celibate since 2007 (that's four years) with a few moments of ecstasy thrown in with Cactus Man just to remind me of what something once was? How sad!?

Well, here's the clincher. Ya'll never gonna believe this ladies, but when your hormones change, (with a few exceptions) you don't really care all that much about sex like you used to in your 20's (unless George Clooney walks in your front door).

20 min. massage with my massage therapist, or a crummy quickie in bed? Massage please!

Blade Runner and a slice of Chicago deep dish with fresh mozzeralla and basil, or a crummy fling in bed? Pass the pizza and get the helloutta my way.

Am I giving up, losing hope as JJ would say?

Hell no.

I'll still go out on comical dates; I mean, hell, it's fodder for my posts, right?

But you could say that expectations and childish notions are out the window. And I've had an epiphany!

God, my friends, is a woman.

After all, consider the facts:
1. Men lose their hair. I mean, they LOSE their HAIR, how gross is that? But women don't.
2. Men still have a manical sex drive, even when they're bald and have weird hair growing out of alarming places (the ears, for example) and at that age, they can't even do it right anymore (i.e., Hugh Heffner, can you say gross, ewwwww!?). But we don't pine away about it when we get old.

We age with dignity.

That ain't so bad in my book. Now pass me a piece of pizza!

1 comment:

Mommy Needs Vodka said...

Too frigging funny and realistic. Makes me not want to join those online sites!