WHY I DON’T GO TO THE MOVIES MUCH

WHY I DON’T GO TO THE MOVIES MUCH

Well, it was time last night to go see my bi-annual movie this year before the Oscars, so I went to see Up In the Air, a great film, just as NPR predicted.

I only go to 1-2 “films” a year (can you tell I had film classes in college?). It’s not just that most movies suck. They’re either mellow-dramatic-romantic-comedies starring women who’ve never seen a size 12 outside of a Wal-Mart advertisement or they’re re-makes of old films that sucked the first time around. Nothing says groovier more than a re-make of Freaky Friday or The Stepford Wives.

TOP REASONS I DON’T GO TO THE MOVIES:


1. Talkers. What’s with Chatty-Nancies, yapping? There’s places for yapping. They’re called bars, coffeehouses and church. Why is it some people CANNOT whisper? Does that require some sort of hidden skill? Do they talk out loud during church, too? “Did Pastor Johnson just say we were all going to hell?”

2. Cell phones. Last night, not only did one ring behind me at a dramatically crucial point in the film where you could have heard a pin drop, but fifteen minutes later the same oaf’s phone went off again. I proceeded to turn around and give my best grade school principal’s glare only to be met by a blank face shoving Raisinettes down his pie-gob.

3. Coughers. I’m sorry you have a cold, but if you have to cough every three and a half seconds and require an IV-drip you’re so sick, then why not stay home before you jerk me out of every crucial moment during the film while you cough up a enough phlegm to fill a popcorn bucket.

4. The Price of Snacks. Why is it that the SMALLEST bag of popcorn not only costs more than the movie ticket, but the same price as a mid-sized economy car? “Eight dollars and FIFTY cents for a small popcorn?” I gasped to the 15-year-old behind the counter. “Don’t you have a cheaper kids’ size or something?” The miscreant, pointed to the sign which announced a “Child’s Size Snack Deal.” It included a nifty cardboard tray for $9.50 which housed a small pop AND a bag of popcorn the size of a Dixie cup.

5. No Booze. I’ve heard a rumor that somewhere in Florida, there’s a theatre you can go to where they sell high-end snacks and booze. Paradise, eh? I think it’s just a fairy-tale, a snippet of urban legend, fantasy gone the way of the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny.

6. Small Children. I’ve never understood this one and can remember a toddler screaming all the way through The Blair Witch Project when it first came out, which heightened my movie going experience to new dimensions. I remember marveling at exactly HOW an adult would think a toddler would find any kind of film a great way to spend an hour and forty minutes. Unless it’s a Disney film where every adult in attendance is miserable as Junior kicks the seat in front of him, bawls he has to go pee again, and dumps his Coke over in order to have it run down the concrete sloped floor and pool up against my purse. Why not leave the kids at Grandma’s?

7. Shameless Advertisements. Either I’m getting old, or was it only a few years ago that the only ad you’d find up on the screen was a Coke advertisement. Not anymore. Every ad campaign in the country has caught on to attach their wares in between movie trailers. Want to find a real estate agent? Go to the movies and watch the ads. Having back problems? Go to the movies and bring your notebook. My friend talked me into getting there thirty minutes early “to find a good seat,” only to put me through forty-five minutes of ads. What was more shocking than auto-insurance ads narrated by strange little lizards with bad British accents was the alarming amount of ads prompting youth to get up from their theatre seats and flee to the nearest military recruiter. Honestly, I counted four ads for the Air Force and at least a half dozen for the National Guard, each time thinking at first it was the beginning of a trailer for an action-adventure movie. I find this a bit perplexing. What exactly does military recruitment have to do with watching a movie? Furthermore, what 18 year old, is going to RACE out of his seat after watching Twilight and boogie to the recruiter’s office at midnight?

This my friends, is why I AVOID THE MOVIES. Thanks for listening. And next time your hand accidentally slips under the theatre seat as you’re taking off your coat and you feel something you assume is only an old wad of gum, remember it could be something far more vile. Such as a B-O-O-G, you get my drift.