Wednesday, December 30, 2009

How to Think Like a Man, or God’s Got a Not-so-Funny Joke for You

Ever felt the brunt of God’s not-so-funny jokes? You know, the sort of NOT funny times when karma kicks your ass? I had that happen over Christmas and it was NOT funny. As a woman, there are times when you’re wondering if a man’s just interested in you for your booty. We’ve all been there. You crave more cuddling time just to make yourself sure that he’s into YOU for YOU not just booty, right?

Well, until NOW, I’ve never known what it must feel like to be a lusty man because now I’ve totally discovered I’m a lusty man in a woman’s body. Yup, a pig in a skirt! A female chauvinistic pig.

While my ex, Scott, was here, I guess he wanted to really get to know me after two years apart, to watch TV, cuddle, talk, hold hands. But God played a little joke on me. Normally, I would have wanted this, too. Only my hormones have been changing over the past few years. I eat/drink/breath/daydream for sex. I even know the name of my favorite porn star (Joel Lawrence, in case you’re morbidly curious).

What I wanted was sex, the durty-durty, and lots of it. I’d been fantasizing for over a year. And I’ve been without sex for . . . (drum roll) two years. Pathetic, huh?

So imagine my pain to only have gotten nooky a handful of times over the vacation, four times. I’ve waited to have sex for two years only to have sex four times.

At one point, as we were “snuggling” on the couch, he thought it’d be cool to read me some CNN Headline News over his Blackberry since I don’t have cable. I wanted to scream, “PUT DOWN THE BLACKBERRY, THROW ME OVER THE SIDE OF THIS COUCH AND BANG ME LIKE A SCREEN DOOR IN A HURRICANE!!!!” In fact, the whole vacation was like that, him playing the concerned feminine role and me the sex-obsessed male.

Him: “Let’s go out to eat. You don’t need to cook for us today.”
Me: “How ‘bout we stay home and get naked?”
Him: “Come on. Let’s go get a pizza!”


Him: “You want to go see a movie while I’m here?”
Me: “Yeah, if we can bang in the theatre.”
Him: “Dang, The Road’s still not playing here yet.”

Get the picture? This pre-menapause constantly craving sex thing sucks. Either that, or I’m turning into a dude.

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