Resolutionists or Why I Hate Working Out at the Gym

“Resolutionists” or Why I Hate the Gym in January

All right. I have to go to the gym, but I’m stalling right now. I don’t want to. I’ve not gone since the second week in December, but that’s not the reason I’m stalling under the guise of a blog, despite a deeply rooted fear of hoping on the scale after an infinity of snacks consumed New Year’s Eve and a five hour wine-guzzling session where I’d convinced myself that my XXL-sized “jug” was the last one on the planet and that copious amounts of cheese being consumed was OK because “It’s nutritious.”

I’m stalling because I hate the gym in January.
Despise. Detest. Why?
The Resolutionists come out of hiding and invade my gym faster than cockroaches scurrying across a second-rate fish monger’s counter.

Resolutionists, aka, January-Joiners—those who make drunken half-hearted resolutions to join a gym on New Year’s Eve, then temporarily invade your gym in droves only to drop out sometime after Valentine’s Day.

It’s not that I despise them for trying improve their lot. I admire anyone’s ability to say, run through a series of “squats” while proudly showing seven inches of pimply butt-crack. It gives a whole new meaning to the nickname, “Cracky,” and is infinitely entertaining to those of us who have camera/cell phones.

Top Signs that Resolutionists Have Invaded Your Gym:

1.Absence of an Ipod or at least a functional Walkman. All “regulars” at the gym know a few unbreakable rules. One of which is, make sure you’ve always got your Ipod on you. Always. And with the volume turned deafeningly high. Everyone knows that you’re NOT working out, unless you’re making unsavory noises and gasps that sound like you’re auditioning for a porn flick voice-over. Especially that last rep. A Resolutionist, however, will not only REFUSE to wear his Ipod, which would politely camouflage your grunts and groans of pain-ecstasy, but he’ll also violate another rule, which is stare at you while you’re grunting/sweating/cussing, a sin punishable by death. Eye contact at the gym is FORBIDDEN.

2.Excessive Make up and Jewelry. This one applies to the ladies (I hope). Who wears makeup to the gym? Only me. And that’s because one time as I was walking to the gym without makeup, my hair stuffed up into a Broncos baseball cap, I was mistaken for a male vagrant and called “Sir” by a ten year old. And for crying out loud, put the 4-carat diamond engagement ring back in your locker. No one wants to see what your successful, committed, fabulous, thoughtful boyfriend got you for Christmas when the rest of us got “slightly used/she’ll never know” re-gifts like CD’s without the plastic wrap, slightly burned scented candles, dog-eared college textbooks and embroidered Christmas towels.

3.Chatty Nancies. Nothing spells a new-timer more than a Chatty Nancy gabbing it up at the water cooler of the gym while you’re dying from dehydration and waiting in line. Or worse still, one who’s doing one of the greatest Gym Sins of all time, chatting it up and not working out on a machine while a Regular is waiting, foot-tapping and furious.

4.Palsies. Pals-ies are January Joiners who go together to work out. I’ve never understood this one. It takes TWICE as long to work out with a “pal” since you have to then share equipment together and swap recipes/football stats at the same time. Secondly, if you’re really working out, sweating/stinking, cussing, rolls of fat popping out in unfashionable areas, (see Rule #1), you shouldn’t be sharing this unflattering business with an alleged friend, or worse still, a Sig. O. I adore you, my friend, but I do NOT want to see your butt-crack or smell your underarms, or be reminded that you don’t like to shave, OK? Nor do I wish to have a stretch mark competition in the locker room. If you’re my friend, don’t come to the gym with me.

5.Suspiciously NEW looking Matching Workout Clothes. Leaving a price tag showing, is usually a tip off, as is the crease-marks from having just bought it folded on a shelf, on the way to the gym. Also, see rule number #2. What is this, an episode of Sex and the City? Seriously, who works out in color coordinated, $75 outfits and matching socks with pom-poms? Those who do should have their ass kicked, that’s who. Besides, it makes the rest of look bad who wear free Corporate Cup 5K Run t-shirts stolen from employee break rooms or ancient, stained rock concert T’s from college, preferably 80’s hair-bands i.e., Metallica. But if you’re wearing a Winger or Bon Jovi, you might want to update your wardrobe. My sister recently informed me that my fourteen-year old workout suit with the holes, high-water pants and chocolate stains made me look like a hillbilly. I proudly informed her I was a “Regular.” Therefore, my costume was my badge of honor. Personally, I feel the time to wash your gym clothes is either when you can’t remember the last time you took them home or when they stand straight up in your locker like they’ve been starched.

But, like I said, I’ll put up with The Resolutionists. They’ll all be gone in February anyway, thank god then I’ll enjoy the following eleven months until January-Joiner time begins--again.