Monday, November 14, 2011

Being in Charge

The Six Kinds of Bosses

Having had to work since I've been 14, I've racked up many bosses over the years, from camp to babysitting, newspapers, book stores, music stores, the radio station, you name it, I've done it. A legacy.

Yet here it goes:

Old Yeller--

1. Old Yeller is gender exclusive, but is generally recognizable by his/her bellow, "Why haven't you put away those buckets yet, Swanson
!" Or, "You got time to lean, you got time to clean!" Old Yellers are happiest when yelling.
Disadvantages: low morale around the office/warehouse, low self-esteem, O.Y.'s usually have bad breath
Advantages: it's slightly amusing when they're yelling at someone besides you.

The Conspirator--
2. The Conspirator is always paranoid someone somewhere is fucking something up. They're always planning plots and sub-plots besides micro-managing every task everyone does, consequently fucking things up. Their favorite activities are setting up the serfs so that they'll tattle on one another.
Disadvantages: can never be trusted, lies, creates mutiny among co-workers
Advantages: eventually creates mutiny towards The Conspirator.

The Bully--
3. The Bully usually only wants to be a boss to pick on people. Their goal in life is to try and make up for all the injustices they've endured prior to this job.
The Bully was (pick one or several)
a. picked on in grade school (now seeking revenge)
b. overweight/underweight in grade school (now seeking revenge)
c. a nerd in high school (now seeking revenge)
d. beat up in high school (now seeking revenge)
e. a social pariah in college (ditto)
f. prematurely bald and/or homely in college (I think you get the point)

4. The Mensa Feminist--
The M.F. thinks everyone, especially cool chicks and men, are either out to get her or her enemy and therefore must be given shit jobs because they're "so intellectually inferior."
Advantages: makes for good laughs to imitate the M.F. at the bar, will help advance other M.F. ladder climbers so long as they claim loyalty beyond the grave and always "know their place" which means significantly several rungs beneath them on the ladder.
Disadvantages: Employees must constantly feign mild ignorance to the M.F. as to not incur Medusa-like wrath, passive-aggressive notes are every day occurences, passive-aggressive punishments are weekly.

5. The Good Ol'Boy
G.O.B's like to talk sports at work. Like to give promotions to other Good Ol' Boys even if they do not deserve it. Usually right-leaning in politics and thinks "Bill Clinton sex jokes," even though over 15 years old, are still funny.
Advantages: will further your career if you are a G.O.B., will further your career if you're a "hot chick," lets you leave early for work if you say it's to watch a game, will buy you beers on company time.
Disadvantages: horrible or inappropriate joke telling, not sympathetic towards anyone slightly liberal, intelligent or anyone who likes to read.
Warning: Good Ol' Boys and Mensa Feminists make explosive co-bosses.

6. The Fun, Cool Boss-- The Fun Cool Boss is soon to be extinct. From what anthropologists can tell, they are laid back, not into screaming or passive-aggressive notes or punishments; they're upfront without being aggressive; they like to make their employees happy from the CEO to the janitor; it makes no difference to them; they've been known to give what are called HAPPY surprises to workers as opposed to HATED suprises ("I'm giving this shit job to you because you did it so well") or ("We're all coming in on Saturday.") Instead, HAPPY SURPRISES ARE LIKE, "Guess what, pizzas on me for lunch," or "Thank you for doing a good job around here. Expect to see a raise/benefits/bonus soon."
Advantages: treats you like a human being, the way he/she would want to be treated
Disadvantaged: Hunted to near extinction.

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