Monday, March 22, 2010

Revenge Humor and Survival

It's Called a Break Up not a Break Down, Right?

Oh boy, Cactus Man has been sending me sexy texts/emails again lately (after a two-month hiatus). And it's been trying on my nerves. He's in his up-cycle and feeling flirtatious with me again. It's not me he misses; it's the control over me he misses. That of course can be hard on a woman. You miss his touch, his words, but you realize he drove you straight to the therapist's chair.

You can, however, derive some humor from it.

When Cactus Man sent me a lame attempt at a sexy text, I wrote, "If I remember correctly, you didn't want me anymore. How contrary, Cactus Man." Of course, that shut him up completely because he wondered, "What's Cactus Man mean?" Hence, that helped me and it helped me re-gain my dignity. The healing process is so complex. Laughter, of course, helps a lot. And sometimes a playful revenge fantasy helps, too. Sometimes you can act on it. I also sent Cactus Man a short story I wrote based upon his unstable, sad, dysfunctional childhood. Slightly mean of me, yes, I know. But I changed all the names/locations, etc.

My Ideas of How to Get Over a Heartache from a Bad Person:

1. Make up a comic strip about them. Of course, this implies humor and a touch of artistry. Employ a friend to help you and don't forget to do it over a good six-pack of beer. Humor is a MUST. Transform him/her into an animal or object that befits him and what he's/she's done.

2. Write a short story about a character (based on your ex) who has his shortcomings theatrically displayed. Make it over the top. Better still, make it either a sad-comedy or tragedy (but make the character likable, so the story is more tragic). If you're really bold, send it to them, with no explanation at all.

3. Live well. Honestly, THIS revenge is the best medicine. If you hear from your ex, feel free to lie liberally within reason, "I finally lost that ten pounds," or "Doing pretty well. Won a Harley from a drawing at the rally last year." "Doing OK. Got a 30% raise in pay, but I don't want to brag."

4. Shower fantasies. Of course, imagining several fantasies in your head while you're in the shower is always gratifying. My current fave is picturing Cactus Man getting an invitation to my wedding in the mail and imagining the look on his face. And of course, in HIS invitation is a picture of my new man who: 1. has all his hair 2. is better looking and 3. younger than him.

Even though I fantasize it, you can too, and for some strange reason, it's immensely gratifying!

Go ahead. Try it! It works!


nate said...

Hint, hint: of course the bigger question is, "What's Cactus Man hiding behind his back?"

But that's for another episode of "ADVENTURES WITH CACTUS MAN!"

B Ridout said...

I believe you left out "The 'person' (insert appropriate sex here, as needed to fulfill the desired destruction) that replaced you finally showed me what good sex really was". Thank You

Mo said...

Nice - maybe some people can learn from this too ... don't do this.

One addition that I would add is to simply say he is so much better in bed. We all have had great sex before.

Theresa said...

You forgot #5:

5. Stop thinking about him, texting him, talking to him on the phone, and emailing him. Get other distractions on your plate (not necessarily a man) and eventually you will, with time, think of him less and less and less.