How to Spoof a Telemarketer

Fun With Telemarketers

Don't you just get annoyed whenever you have to call and deal with a telemarketer or anyone in marketing? You know, like when Visa constantly sends you those lame forms to get you to change over and get on one of their lower fee credit cards? You ever get those STUPID things that look like blank checks from Visa made out to you? Who falls for that? Plus, they hook you in with a lower interest rate, then once they got you, they jack it back up again (read the .0008 sized font, and you'll see).

Their latest trick is to send you a letter (that they're hoping you'll just throw away as junk mail). But the trick is the letter REQUIRES that if you do NOT want their "Credit Protection Plus" package, you must CALL and CANCEL it--and you only have 30 days to do it or they'll bill you the $89 bucks to your account.

So luckily, I happened to read this junk mail.

So I called to cancel.

I got someone from where I'm guessing is the Middle East and someone who's English wasn't very good. He tried relentlessly to railroad me that this "Protection Plus" program was so good and had so many perks that I REALLY, REALLY should opt in--despite my MANY polite declinations. So I said, "You want me to PAY basically for a credit card that's normally free. Is that what you're saying?" He then proceeded to tell me more than I ever wanted to hear about these useless perks.

I was getting bored, and very annoyed. Then a prank hit me.

So it went like this:

Marketer: So we have many benefits. There's the "Fly 80,000 miles program" and you get a free latte or Crispy Kreme, only in available locations only. That is just one of many perks.

Me: Perks? Will your credit card pay for my health insurance? You know. Pay it FOR ME every month? I'd like to not have to pay that anymore. That would be a neat perk if you could pay it for me.

Marketer: (uncomfortable pause) Well, I don't think so. We're a credit card company.

Me: How about pay my car insurance (I don't even own a car). That'd be neat--what a perk!

Marketer: Well, I don't think it'll pay that for you. We're a credit card company.

Me: How about this perk? How about Visa sending me a coupon for $500 in groceries. Can they do that perk?

Marketer: (trying to get off the phone) We're a credit card,

Me: (interrupting) You could send me a gift certificate to J.C. Penny's then. I need some new school clothes, and that'd be a cool perk. How's that?

Marketer: We're a credit card company, Ma'am.

Me: (acting astonished) a CREDIT CARD company? You're a credit card company?

Marketer: Yes.

Me: Well, maybe you ought to cancel my "Credit Protection Plus," if you can't give me any prizes.

Needless to say, it took him only about 5 seconds to cancel my card and let me off the phone. See, why get mad at credit card companies when you can have fun?

Another time I pretended to be a five year old girl answering the phone for her mother while she was in the shower, and there was the time I pretended like I was mentally challenged. Fun times, but that's fodder for another time.