Friday, June 1, 2012

How About an Ass Kicking from a Writer?

OK, I've been remiss about posting, instead, reading like there's no tomorrow.

And revising the novel.

But it's time for a new gripe. 

As a writer, there's one thing I must bitch about.  I HATE it when I tell someone that I'm a writer and have to endure the following stupid remarks.

How to piss off a writer:

1. "I'm a writer, too."  (when they are not)
Firstly, writing in a way is like breathing.  Yes, everyone breathes, unless you are dead, and unless you are illiterate, everyone writes, but the association stops there.  Everyone is NOT a writer.  To become a electrician, you must apprentice, take classes--it's a long process, and not everyone can do what you do.  A writer is much the same way.  A writer spends 10-20 hours a week, minimum, (outside his/her "day job") writing/researching on his/her said project/s.  If you do not do that, you are not a writer.

2. "Are you published?  Can I get your book on Amazon?"
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH.  If I have to explain the very long, and sordid process of big east coast publishing houses one more time, they'll have to carry me off to the funny farm.  It takes years to get published, even at the first major step: literary journals and hell no, they are not available online at Amazon. Or worse still, the grocery store.

3. "Once you get published, you'll make lotsa money like Steven King or whoever it was who wrote those Harry Potter books."  Sigh.  Firstly, they are the exception, not the rule.  No one gets big advances anymore, not that they EVER did.  And you do not go into fiction-writing for money in the first place.  It's like pestering a fisherman about how big a fish he caught; he doesn't do it for that, and if you have to ask, you don't understand.

4. "Talk about stories.  I got a story you can write.  Let me tell ya."  And on and on and on they go blathering about some alarmingly dull anecdote.  DILLIGF?  Why would I or any other writer want to write YOUR story, something that inspires YOU?  This is ALWAYS SPOKEN BY A MAN.  In fact, this leads to my next pet peeve.

5.  "I'm gonna write a book some day about blah, blah, blah."  I might add that they will go on and on about this alleged idea that will never happen while a real writer is anxious to get home and check his/her mail to see what the dailies have brought in from agents and editors.

Please do NOT annoy a writer with the above senseless prattle.  Warning: a writer after a few cocktails has been known to behave like a cornered raccoon after hearing any of the above. 

Just sayin'.

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