Sunday, March 22, 2009

Broken Hearted

He did it again. He dumped me. This makes three times, and after three strikes doesn't the umpire call "You're Out!"? Feb. 1, 2008; June 24th, 2008 and now; March 22, 2009.

Only this time, besides being torn and beaten, one thing is different. I'm not continuing my friendship with him.

This is the only time I've ever had to do this. Normally, I continue my relationships as "friends," but then nomally, I have been the one doing the breaking up. I asked myself why, why can't I be friends with him. The truth is, if I have to wittness him falling in love with someone new, and actually making it work, knowing it couldn't be me, knowing I just wasn't quite good enough, is more than I can bear. I just can't do it. It's lead me to an new relationship rule.

Unless a break-up is agreed upon by both parties, you cannot be friends. End of story. No exceptions. There's too much yearning on one side, "Maybe she'll come back to me." "Maybe if I'm a good enough friend, he'll realize what he was missing." The ONLY way it can work is after a good deal of time has passed and you have gotten a NEW LOVE in your life. That's the only way.

At first I felt like I was a bad person for thinking this. Rob guilted me saying, "You should move on and wish him nothing but happiness and luck in finding true love."

Well, guess what? I'm not Mother Teresa. I do not wish Scott happiness and great luck at finding true love--sorry. Not now. For now, all I can wish him is good health. That's as good as I can muster, and even that is harder than hell.

Love and relationships should NOT be this hard. If you would have told me at 26, hell even 36, that I'd be alone and just coming down from this LONG and EXTREMELY TURBULENT relationship with a guy like Scott, I would have laughed. I would have said, "No way, I'll be happily married by then to a great guy."

He loves her, but she doesn't love him. She loves him, but he can't love anyone. Love shouldn't be this complicated.
Sigh.

1 comment:

Theresa said...

Remaining friends with an old lover is not easy. I always admired you for it and I even tried it with my ex, Phil. He and I were engaged and we still continued a friendship for FIVE YEARS after we broke up. Otherwise I've not amanged it. People just get too hurt and old feelings aren't easy to deal with. A clean but peaceful break is the best way, I think.