A Sad Story

There are times where you are just really sad about someone who didn't work out in your life. There are other times where things are different and you're glad (i.e., Cactus Man) and life gets richer and better.

But there are some lost souls, mentally-damaged people, that when it doesn't work out with them, you're not devastated, just very, very sad.

The Invisible Man finally contacted me. Outta respect for him, I'm not going to use our other nickname for him because while it's funny, it's not nice. Of course IM didn't TAlk TO me. But he left me a message that he wanted to get his stuff back because he'd be in town.

At first, my friends and I were just disgusted. "He just wants his shit back. What a shithead. You don't mean crap to him," said JJ. And many others.

I felt I should oblige. After all, YES, I did have an expensive first edition of a book that was his and other stuff. After all, I was of the understanding that we, over the summer, had become a "we." So we exchanged lots of stuff--as couples often do. In his voicemail, he said if I didn't want to see him, that was fine and that I should do "the right thing" and leave his stuff on my porch in a bag. So I did. And I called his landline and left him a message saying, we were adults here. We didn't need to pretend to be friends and have a conversation that was all fake, wishing each other well wishes like teenaged campers at summer camp. So I left his books on my porch with a note. Not a "Bette Davis-ripping-your-head-off" style note, just a very honest SHORT one.

Then the axe fell on my heart.

He'd left me a lovely Christmas card asking to be friends and if I could meet him in the future, a short letter, a gorgeous piece of artwork and four antique casters for my Victorian chair. As I pretended to not be home, I watched him out my curtain, his shoulders sagged. Each step of his feet looked like someone dejected.

I felt, in short, like a fucking asshole.

So I called his landline and thanked him for the gifts. Then said I hoped he would have a good holiday.

It was, in short, the toughest thing I have had to do.

There's a difference between giant raging assholes like Cactus Man, and someone with mental illness and fears where a r healthy relationship/friendship just wasn't possible.

Regrets. Man, I have 'em. Don't you?

A Friend's Obnoxious Spouse

Ho, ho, ho. I was feeling the merriment, but not so much right now.

I had to be mean to a friend over the holidays but for only one reason. Her husband is an asshole, and I didn't want to, under any circumstance, want to be around him.

In a way, I can understand her position. Say it worked out with me and Cactus Man. Say he moved here.

ALL HELL WOULD BREAK LOOSE.

I would lose all my friends. JJ, Paulie, Leslie, Rob, Dooooder, Bassy-gas, everyone would be like, "I cannot stand that asshole she's with, and he's ALWAYS around." Consequently, if I stayed glued to his side, I would imagine everyone would start disappearing.

Which leads me to this philosophical concern.

Do you have to accept all of your friends' spouses? If you do NOT, where do you draw the line?

Pretty much nowadays, ALL my friends are single. Even Dooooder, is going through a divorce. I don't have any friends, other than my sister who are part of a "we," "couple," "ONENESS."

But what do you do if one of your few married friend's spouse is a real asshole? I don't mean just a buffoon, but someone who's aggressive, nasty, unpredictable, mean, and disagreeable? Add to that, gets even worse when he/she drinks?

What do you do?

Whaz new?

All Hail to Agnes Morehead.

You know, I always looked up to her. I loved the way she'd rip off Maurice's (her ex) head, or tell Derwood to step off. As a little girl watching this show already in syndication, I'd clap my tiny hands in glee while she turned Derwood into an ass or ape.

Speaking of apes, asses and turds.

Cactus Man wrote me.

But you're saying, "He can't. You blocked him!" Well, not apparently on Myspace, which I hadn't checked in so long, I was suprised my password still worked.

He asked something to the effect of how was I doing. I didn't answer that but simply wrote, "I hope your grandma is doing well."
He wrote back all whiney. "How come you never ask about me?"

My inner Endora came out, and while I would have taken great pleasure into turning him into a giant cactus, or something you'd find at the bottom of a toilet, I simply wrote,

"Because, Cock-knocker, I'm sure you're doing well enough chasing the ladies and building them false castles in the air. Best, Natalie."

Then I laughed, hit "send" and then deleted his email.


I mean, really?

Cool Bosses

Cool Bosses.
It's only fair I write about Cool Bosses since I wrote about lame ones, so here it goes.

The 4 Types of Cool Bosses:

1. The Laid Back Task Completer: the LBTC knows the job's gotta get done, no matter what. So that means, he/she jumps right in there and does the work, even if it's peon work, no matter what. It's just "his/her job" in their eyes. I had a boss like this once, and it was heaven.

2. The Cool Taste Boss:
the CTB is generally an aesthetic person. If you read, know what's going on in the world and can do your job, this boss will not only appreciate you, but will compliment you as well. In fact, this boss might even respect your judgement.

3. The Sympathetic Boss:
NOW, it should be noted that sympathetic doesn't mean stoolie or doormat. The SB simply listens, doesn't make judgement calls, just tries to see things from your eyes. SADLY, you'd think this type of boss would be a loyal member of some church (Muslin, Christian, Judaism), but most of the time, they're non-denominational or Atheist. Interesting, huh?

4. The Fair Boss:
This type of boss listens to BOTH sides as judicially as a supreme court judge and hardly ever takes sides. This type of boss doesn't discriminate on things like, a. this person has kids so this worker is better than that stupid worker over there who's single and has no kids b. weight or age, this type of boss would never think, "Let's give our fat/old employee the lamest job, because he must obviously be stupid," or "Let's really screw this employee because he only has an associates degree, not a B.A.

I wish I could say there's more than FOUR DIFFERENT KINDS OF COOL BOSSES out there, but there isn't. If you have a COOL BOSS, try to really revel in that. Be happy. Don't be a micromanaging complainer or nag. Having a COOL BOSS who respects you is truly a gift--from the universe.

Being in Charge

The Six Kinds of Bosses

Having had to work since I've been 14, I've racked up many bosses over the years, from camp to babysitting, newspapers, book stores, music stores, the radio station, you name it, I've done it. A legacy.

Yet here it goes:

Old Yeller--

1. Old Yeller is gender exclusive, but is generally recognizable by his/her bellow, "Why haven't you put away those buckets yet, Swanson
!" Or, "You got time to lean, you got time to clean!" Old Yellers are happiest when yelling.
Disadvantages: low morale around the office/warehouse, low self-esteem, O.Y.'s usually have bad breath
Advantages: it's slightly amusing when they're yelling at someone besides you.

The Conspirator--
2. The Conspirator is always paranoid someone somewhere is fucking something up. They're always planning plots and sub-plots besides micro-managing every task everyone does, consequently fucking things up. Their favorite activities are setting up the serfs so that they'll tattle on one another.
Disadvantages: can never be trusted, lies, creates mutiny among co-workers
Advantages: eventually creates mutiny towards The Conspirator.

The Bully--
3. The Bully usually only wants to be a boss to pick on people. Their goal in life is to try and make up for all the injustices they've endured prior to this job.
The Bully was (pick one or several)
a. picked on in grade school (now seeking revenge)
b. overweight/underweight in grade school (now seeking revenge)
c. a nerd in high school (now seeking revenge)
d. beat up in high school (now seeking revenge)
e. a social pariah in college (ditto)
f. prematurely bald and/or homely in college (I think you get the point)

4. The Mensa Feminist--
The M.F. thinks everyone, especially cool chicks and men, are either out to get her or her enemy and therefore must be given shit jobs because they're "so intellectually inferior."
Advantages: makes for good laughs to imitate the M.F. at the bar, will help advance other M.F. ladder climbers so long as they claim loyalty beyond the grave and always "know their place" which means significantly several rungs beneath them on the ladder.
Disadvantages: Employees must constantly feign mild ignorance to the M.F. as to not incur Medusa-like wrath, passive-aggressive notes are every day occurences, passive-aggressive punishments are weekly.

5. The Good Ol'Boy
G.O.B's like to talk sports at work. Like to give promotions to other Good Ol' Boys even if they do not deserve it. Usually right-leaning in politics and thinks "Bill Clinton sex jokes," even though over 15 years old, are still funny.
Advantages: will further your career if you are a G.O.B., will further your career if you're a "hot chick," lets you leave early for work if you say it's to watch a game, will buy you beers on company time.
Disadvantages: horrible or inappropriate joke telling, not sympathetic towards anyone slightly liberal, intelligent or anyone who likes to read.
Warning: Good Ol' Boys and Mensa Feminists make explosive co-bosses.


6. The Fun, Cool Boss-- The Fun Cool Boss is soon to be extinct. From what anthropologists can tell, they are laid back, not into screaming or passive-aggressive notes or punishments; they're upfront without being aggressive; they like to make their employees happy from the CEO to the janitor; it makes no difference to them; they've been known to give what are called HAPPY surprises to workers as opposed to HATED suprises ("I'm giving this shit job to you because you did it so well") or ("We're all coming in on Saturday.") Instead, HAPPY SURPRISES ARE LIKE, "Guess what, pizzas on me for lunch," or "Thank you for doing a good job around here. Expect to see a raise/benefits/bonus soon."
Advantages: treats you like a human being, the way he/she would want to be treated
Disadvantaged: Hunted to near extinction.

History of Desire

Have you ever read the poem "History of Desire" by Tony Hoagland? Garrison Keillor read it on Writer's Almanac, and you can access it here:

http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/index.php?date=2009/02/18

What a sad, beautiful poem about starting off in life so full of passion and trust for love. Then how you get older, the past slaps you in the face from all the lies you've heard, all the broken promises you had believed in, then the next thing you know, you're emotionally unavailable. Male or female, it's not gender-exclusive.

It's sad, but it doesn't have to be this way. Can't you be cautious, slow and level-headed in the love arena once you've grown through to experience?

Even I have to admit, if I ever fall in love again, I might get anxious.

In retrospect, it seems Cactus Man and Count Crackula unfortunately, desperately wanted everyone to think they had "it"--what's called being emotionally available, when they really were not. When they were as cracked as Humpty Dumpty.

I once met a VERY cool guy here in town, named E. He looked like a tidier version of Curt Cobain. However, UNLIKE Curt, he was very emotionally grounded and mentally healthy (and I'm so about being mentally healthy these days).

What I really respected about him was he didn't pretend to want to become emotionally available nor wanting any kind of relationship at all.

What????!!!, you're saying. Why would she like this? Well, it's honest. He never pulled any punches with me, led me on, talked about "future things" we would do, made promises he knew he couldn't keep, disappeared like so many of them.

He just flat out announced this, RIGHT AWAY. I had to admire him. And the best thing? He never wound up a villain in one of my blogs, short stories, or poems, and never broke my heart.

There's something to be said about being honest FROM THE START!

Dumb Names vs. Cool Names

Yes, I know that my picture has nothing to do with this post. I'd taken it after adding my little addendum, and submitted it to "Passive-Agressive Notes," dot com, but never heard back, so meh.

Lately, there's some dorks who are dying to meet me. But, and I know I sound Seinfeild, their names are such turn off's, AND, I think they're dorks anyway like Andy Gibb Guy, the dude I quasi-dated before Count Crackula.

OK, now listen up guys. Don't lie. You'd never date a woman named Bertha, would you? How about Ethel, Hulga or Helga? You'd at least have initial reservations.

Face it, names tie into the sexy factor. Sexy people, except for George Clooney, have sexy names.

For men:
Brad, Jay, Jason, Marcus, Mike, Ryan, Scott--even weird names like Sid (Vicious). All sexy names.

NOT:
Chuck/Chuckie, Harry, Gary, Fred, Ralph, Zekeil (what am I missing?)

The newest on my list are "Chuck" and "Harry." Sigh.

Last names count, too:
Sexy last names: Chavira, Kingry (the king-of-my-life for many years), or even regal names like Steger, Williams, Wolfe, Walker, Ford, and anything Italian with the right blend of consonants and vowels. I went to school with an entire pack of "Hainline's" and what a sexy name is that? Were all of the Hainline men good looking? Hell, yeah.

Bad Last Names: Grofelson, Binklemen, Bibsy, Gofenstein, Greenfield

Can you imagine in the throes of passion, screaming out, "Oh, YEAH Ethel Greenfield!"? Or "Oh, yeah, Harry Binklemen!"

Sigh.